Bad Days

We all have them. Yet somehow, no matter what, they knock us off our feet.

But mine haven't been bad days, mine have been bad weeks, bad monthes, and a bad year. I'm waiting for the Light at the end of the tunnel, but some days [like today] I'm stuck in darkness and don't care about Light, about People, about Anyone.

So I'm going to turn off my phone, and go to sleep. And maybe when I wake up, it'll be all better. Maybe. Even if it's not, I'll be well rested and ready to face it all again.

Maddie

The Park

Have you ever noticed that in places that are known for their art, people are out sketching all the time, and it's not unusual to see someone sitting and just drawing? Have you realized that here in the States we don't see that nearly as often?

That's why I felt so conspicuous the other day at the park. I sat on the bench, had some cool music on, and was just drawing. People didn't really stay still, so I couldn't draw details, which was ok. But I felt so...so odd, sitting there, sketch pad out, looking intently at people. But for what I saw, I think I did pretty good. :)

But the greatest thing that happened at the park, on that bench, were the three children, who were curious, and who asked.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turn to see two little girls and a little boy. They asked me what I was doing, and I showed them. Childlike awe. They were awed by these little drawings that I had done, drawings that I thought were insignificant and poorly drawn. They saw Picasso in my work. The older looking girl asks, "Can you draw us?" I said yes, but warned them that I was still learning, and that I wasn't THAT good. They didn't care. So I drew them.

They thought it was amazing, so they asked if I would draw their little brother. I did.

They talked to me as I drew, they told their names, schools, ages, and what they liked to draw and paint and create. They told me that they weren't sisters, but best friends, and the boy was the brother of the older girl. They begged me to come meet their Gram, who celebrated the fact that there was someone drawing in the park.

Here's the thing though, my art could have been scribbleing and they would have thought it was good. I could have made tentacles coming out of their heads, and they would have thought it was good. Art to them wasn't about how porpotioned something was, or how accurate the placement of the nose was, it was just a drawing. And I was the girl who attempted, and that was enough for them.

Thos kids made my day. Maybe they made my week. And I'm going to start drawing in the park. And hopefully, I'll meet some more kids, who are curious about Art, and want to be drawn. Because hey, I can always use the practice, and kids are so non-judgmental...it was so beautiful. :)

Maddie

Exposing Light

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,

along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;

I will turn the darkness into light before them

and make the rough places smooth.

These are the things I will do;

I will not forsake them."

-Isaiah 42:16

I think the Bible is the best source of inspiration I've ever had. There are no words, no painting, nothing that could tell you the source of joy, hope, love, and conviction I've gotten from one book.

Lately, I've been trying to put what I see in my head when I read a verse to canvas. This is the first of many more that I hope to share with the world. There are so many references in the Bible to Light. Wonderful Light. Amazing Light. Exposing Light. Loving Light. Light that leads when you don't see the path, Light that exposes when you didn't think that anything was even wrong.

When I read this verse in Isaiah, I stopped and re-read it. Then I read it again, and again and I want to memorize it, to "write it on the tablet of my heart". In my mind, I saw the trees, growing tall and strong, and blocking the way, making darkness with their shadows. And then I saw the Light, beaming through, showing the path, making a way...when before, I didn't see a way.

I'm reminded of a song, "Into Marvelous Light I'm running, out of darkness, out of shame."

Do you ever get pictures in your head while you read the love letter sent by God?

Yes! and "Held"

Why are we so afraid to create? What stops us? What makes us think, "No, I can't do that?" Who says? Who says I can't paint, whenever, where ever, and what ever I want? Who makes those rules? Who decided that to paint you had to be Picasso? Rembrant? Dahli? When and why did people put such rules on art?

Do you want to know what I paint? I paint emotions. All the crazy mixed up emotions that I feel, no matter what they are. I have "dark" paintings, ones that I don't always let people see, because they are my feelings, and maybe that day, I felt like crap. I have paintings that I don't remember doing because I was so angry/upset/hurt/crying/happy/joyous/amazed...whatever. It doesn't matter. And there are paintings that I have where I look at them and go, "YES!" I am amazing. And there are days when there is an idea in my head, and if I do'nt put it out somehow, it will explode in my head. I live for those days.

Here's what happened today:

So? So you may say? What is this about? Why do you think that this is so good? What's so good about this? What's god about this, is that it is mine. Mine. My idea, my love, my passion, and all from an idea I was working on at work yesterday! I have sketch after sketch of this idea, and only when I was painting it today, did I feel led to add otehr arms, holding the people, who are holding the child. Because we are all held, by a power that is bigger than us, and I can only imagion what it would feel like to held like this...in fact, I'm sure I am being held like this, by a God who loves me. Title of this series? "Held"





I haven't painted in a while, and it wasn't until I realized that I hadn't, that I had this inexpliciable urge to go DO something. Last week, I painted a picture of a lone chair. Why? Because I felt like a lonely chair. A chair that wanted to be used and appriciated, and with other chairs. And if that's how I have to express myself, then so what! So what if I'm not the most talented, so what if other people are "better" than me, so what if there are days when my paintings make no sense to anyone else. They make sense to me, and maybe, just maybe, someone else will see it, and say, "Hey, I've felt like that before."

I'm just so sick of being afraid to create because of what others will think. Because, when it comes down to it, am I creating to please you? No, I'm painting, I'm creating, because it's in my nature, and I like to paint my feelings on canvas.

So. There you have it, I had a "Yes!" kinda day, and had I tried to keep that in, I would have s'ploded, and let's be honest, no one wants that. :)

Please, go create something. Anything. Use anything, do anything, stop being afraid. If it's in you to do, then it's there for a reason, and should not be contained...let it be free.

Realizations and Adventures

I hate when you realize something that you were trying not to think about.

It hit me today, the realization that I still do not love this place. Let me explain, every other place that I've lived, I've wanted to live there. Every other place I've lived, I've invited people to come to Church with me. Every other place I've lived, I've prayed for that town. Have I for this one? No. I have no passion for this place, and I feel like I'm hurting it (as a whole) rather thank helping it. I don't want to be here anymore.

I don't paint as much anymore, did you know that? My brushes are lying dejected on the floor, sprawled out, calling to me, and I leave them there. I have books in boxes that I haven't unpacked, because I don't want to admit to myself that I am indeed still here in Front Royal. Four years. I've been here four years, and I still hold no love in my heart for this place. And that is not for lack of trying. I've tried very hard to love this place, I've put on a very good face. But honestly? Here's what's sad, I wouldn't mind if the whole place went up in smoke.

I keep hearing "God has a reason for you being here Maddie." And I know there is truth in that, but can that become a crutch? When does that ever stop? Am I hindering His plan by being here, is there somewhere else I should be? Some place that I will actually love, and show some passion for? Someplace that makes me happy? That's what really hit me hard, I'm really unhappy here, I have my reasons. And I can't help but feel like God would want me to be this unhappy. Never have I blown up at my friends like I have here, never before have I done some of the things I've done. It's tearing me down, and I can't do it any more.

I can't stay here. I need to get out. And soon.

I feel like such a failure, in not loving this place. Because I had passion for people in Nicholson, I had passion for people in Virginia Beach...I have no passion for people here. Something is off, and I've got to fix.

The more I read my Bible the more it tells me that God will lead me in the way to go. I surely hope so, because here in the next week, I'm going to make a choice, one that truly will change my life, and it scares the hect out of me. Not gonna lie.

So I ask for you prayers as I embark on doing what God wants me to do. It's such an adventure, life is, it certainly is never boring. And sometimes, it's just really really hard...I'm glad He's holding my hand through this, because if He wasn't, I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Sunshine and Tutu's

I ran away into the woods. Because honestly, I didn't know what to do this time. I was hit with a curveball, and there are some that would think that my curveball was trivial, but to me, it was huge, and it was everything. And I...I was overwhelmed. There is so much clutter in this world, in my room, in my life, that I needed to be somewhere simple. Somewhere, where nothing matters. How I look doesn't matter, what I'm going through doesn't matter, nothing matters except was is, and what is already there. I wore a tutu in the woods. I laid in the sun. I drew pictures of a friend. I let the sunshine surround me and I let it swallow me up, and I just didn't think for a while. It was brilliant.



I might go back up the woods again soon. I might take my Bible and some worhsip music and seek God on a mountain, seek some of those answers I am in deseprate need of. But for now, I'm thankful for the sunshine, and being able to finally feel like I can indeed face this.

Adding Color

Tye-Dye. It's one of the many things that brings people together. I dare you, go to a friend and say, "Hey you wanna tye-dye some things with me?"

It doesn't take long, adds awesome colors to your life, and is a great way to be creative.

I tye-dyed with a friend for her birthday, she turned 20, we tye-dyed things, because we are, at heart, five years old. And honestly, it's just plain fun. :)

Not only get I get to spend the day outside, I got to spend the day outside with one of my best friends, adding color to our lives, and making awesome memories.

When was the last time you dyed white things to add color to life?