Realizations and Adventures

I hate when you realize something that you were trying not to think about.

It hit me today, the realization that I still do not love this place. Let me explain, every other place that I've lived, I've wanted to live there. Every other place I've lived, I've invited people to come to Church with me. Every other place I've lived, I've prayed for that town. Have I for this one? No. I have no passion for this place, and I feel like I'm hurting it (as a whole) rather thank helping it. I don't want to be here anymore.

I don't paint as much anymore, did you know that? My brushes are lying dejected on the floor, sprawled out, calling to me, and I leave them there. I have books in boxes that I haven't unpacked, because I don't want to admit to myself that I am indeed still here in Front Royal. Four years. I've been here four years, and I still hold no love in my heart for this place. And that is not for lack of trying. I've tried very hard to love this place, I've put on a very good face. But honestly? Here's what's sad, I wouldn't mind if the whole place went up in smoke.

I keep hearing "God has a reason for you being here Maddie." And I know there is truth in that, but can that become a crutch? When does that ever stop? Am I hindering His plan by being here, is there somewhere else I should be? Some place that I will actually love, and show some passion for? Someplace that makes me happy? That's what really hit me hard, I'm really unhappy here, I have my reasons. And I can't help but feel like God would want me to be this unhappy. Never have I blown up at my friends like I have here, never before have I done some of the things I've done. It's tearing me down, and I can't do it any more.

I can't stay here. I need to get out. And soon.

I feel like such a failure, in not loving this place. Because I had passion for people in Nicholson, I had passion for people in Virginia Beach...I have no passion for people here. Something is off, and I've got to fix.

The more I read my Bible the more it tells me that God will lead me in the way to go. I surely hope so, because here in the next week, I'm going to make a choice, one that truly will change my life, and it scares the hect out of me. Not gonna lie.

So I ask for you prayers as I embark on doing what God wants me to do. It's such an adventure, life is, it certainly is never boring. And sometimes, it's just really really hard...I'm glad He's holding my hand through this, because if He wasn't, I wouldn't be able to handle it.